To our beautiful all grown up children.
I wanted to be a good mom who stayed; who was there to love you no matter what. Andrew wanted to be a good dad who was dependable and there to play with and who would take the time to teach you stuff, no matter what. And we fought hard to live that dream, bit by bit over time deciding at first to hide away, and eventually to let go of, what had hurt us in our pasts and to celebrate and build on what had been given to us that was good. We found such delight in our home with the four of you and with all your friends who came through those doors. Because our childhoods were punctuated with loss and loneliness we learned early on to protect our joy by choosing to remember the good and disregard the awful. The worst times of my adult life have been when I study and think on the bad times of my life. I can't change those.
We remember so many good times and we remember some hard times and we often remember them differently because we're two very different people. But we both wanted you to lean on the God who rescued us from our imperfect childhoods .. we perceived Him differently but He is very real to us nonetheless and we know we would not have found the peace we have if not for His help; if not for his redemption of these two lives that didn’t look like much on the surface.
Because we’re flawed, broken, imperfect people we have trouble letting go of things we have collected... for me it’s been things that remind me of the people I’ve loved and lost... written things, homemade things, clothes, blankets, gifts, cards... for Andrew it’s things and materials and bits and pieces and tools he might need to use to provide for his family in the future. We’re working on that, we recognize it, and we accept that it’s one of the flaws that holds us back some days, but God isn’t done with us yet and we’re thankful to be on a journey where he’s making us better. It’s ok that we’re not perfect. We like ourselves and we like each other. And we like all of our children for different reasons. God’s not done with you all yet either.
I like that you’re all better at a lot of stuff than we were at your age; it doesn’t take away anything from our story, though. I like our story. It’s interesting. Good decisions and bad ones brought us all to where we are, and I not only can’t go back, I wouldn’t, because maybe I’d screw up even worse! No way, man, I accept who I am and who I have been and the journey I took to get here. I’m thankful for every little part of Andrew... he was made just for me and I for him and I think that God worked all of it out for the good and is still doing that... despite our mistakes, flaws, sins, selfishness and sorrows. This life we’ve had together is unique and it’s ours and I’m just thankful that we both got to see our children grow up and we’ve even gotten to see some of our children’s children so far.
In our quiet talks and walks, and when we pray for you out loud together, and in our alone times crying out to God for help and forgiveness and healing and hope, we often visit and deeply regret where we fell short, when we hurt you with our words or actions or lack of attention to your needs or when we disregarded or stepped on your feelings. God only knows how we hope beyond hope that you decide to let go of the things you hold against us and that could trap you and hold you back from living free full lives. I hope you choose to forgive us and focus on whatever good we’ve contributed to your story.
We’re just a little tiny part of your story, but you’re a HUGE part of ours. And we love every sentence of it. We wouldn’t change a thing about you and the story you’re telling with your life. Keep going. Press on.
Love,
Your Mom
“I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on…”
just one little part of Philippians 3:13 & 14 NLT
